Covid Re-entry lessons from my 70+ year old mum

What do you think about going to the store today? I pose the question to my 70+ year old mother who has been shielding. In the UK, anyone aged 70 or older or with a pre-existing medical condition were asked to stay home for three months. Mum has both. This was why I found myself back at home, in my teenage bedroom living with my mum during a pandemic.

The British Government (for the most part) did an amazing job with their clear messaging on stay at home. The unintended consequence of this message and quite possibly some of my own messaging as I tried to keep mum safe is that she is now very anxious about leaving home.

She desperately wants to get “back to normal” and “get on a bus” but she is scared.

I work with people daily who are struggling with anxiety, coping with change, struggling to talk about how they are feeling and the irony is not lost on me that family rarely listens. She has no interest in what her nervous system is doing she just wants her life back and struggles to wrap her mind around social distancing, coronavirus and not being allowed out.

I’ve learnt a lot over the last three plus months of living with mum, navigating coronavirus and trying not to lose my own sense of self as I stepped back in time. I am now excellent at cutting hedges! For anyone with an elderly parent these are some of my learnings of helping mum start to re-enter life. Leaning into being human, being vulnerable and not having all the answers.

Lessons for re-entry

Elderly parents don’t like to make a fuss - learning to listen

I have had to learn to listen as mum speaks to her friends to find out what she is really feeling and watch for subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) signs of what she is comfortable with and uncomfortable with. I have had to learn to pay attention when I ask her something to see the real answer behind the answer. I didn’t know she was scared to get on the very bus she has been looking forward to until I overheard her tell a friend.

Breathing together - Find an influencer they can relate to

We practice our 4-4 breathing together. I sold it as helping me out with work and that it will pass the time and she may actually enjoy it. I didn’t make a big deal about helping her remain calm or regulating her emotions I simply asked her to help me with a work project and she was happy to do it. Even if she thought it was a “bit weird.” Dr Hillary (breakfast TV) became my accidental influencer. Dr Hillary has been talking about breathing and if Dr Hillary says it then it must be good!

Get them excited about going out - the fancy mask

My mum is obsessed with butterflies so of course I found a fabulous butterfly mask on Etsy. I can’t even tell you the excitement when I gave her a “fancy mask”. She loves it and was on the phone telling all her friends and was excited to try it out. She then told me the dark one I had been wearing scared her after I replaced it (it broke) with a more stylish green one. Remember the first point - they don’t like to make a fuss.

Show them the path

Scotland was slower to emerge from lockdown and I am grateful we were. We are still not fully out yet but mum is allowed out. We started small last week, with the corner store. I went with her and showed her the ropes. Mask, hand sanitizer, avoiding people who don’t follow social distancing without losing your sh*t. How to pay with her bank card and not cash (a massive issue for her).

This week we went to a larger grocery store and I helped her figure out the new systems. We haven’t managed the bus yet but it will come.

They see more than we think

I started to follow a very strict protocol when I would leave home for the store. I walked there and back to avoid contact with anyone (no car sadly) and to walk of the excessive consumption of gluten free chocolate digestive biscuits. I wore a mask as soon as I moved home before it was advisable (it just made sense to me). I wiped down all our groceries (I did the paper in the early days but that quickly got old and I think it was a bit of an over reaction but no one knew), hand washing regularly, you know the drill. She has been watching and picking up my habits and without asking started to follow the same protocol.

Its ok when she loses it

It just means she is scared. I don’t have to fix it. I just need to be there.

Let them fly the nest

I am over protective, I own that but a huge lesson is I can’t protect her forever. She is aware and has her “fancy mask” but re-gaining her independence is crucial to her ongoing mental and physical wellbeing.

Keep smiling and laughing

I am so grateful for the time I have spent at home. It has been really special. I am also so grateful I have my practices that have allowed me to stay calm and respond with compassion. I leaned a lot of my friends when things got tough and I wasn’t sure if I could keep it together but overall I kept smiling and saw the opportunity in lockdown.

Animals

We found commonality even though we are very different people. We stopped watching the news as it upset her too much and to be honest me to. Thank goodness for the Yorkshire Vet, The Farm, Super Vet and The Barn which are our favourites. We are pretty sure we could help with lambing and we know how to sex a turtle!

Take time to get to know your parents again, meet then where they are and enjoy re-entry together.